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[personal profile] theloldog
My incarceration is finally at an end. I have been reunited with my humans. This is a Very Good Thing for All Concerned.

But I am starting at the end of the story, when I should start at the beginning.

The Other Human has taken Drastic Measures to implement his many changes to the status quo. He won the 'Badger doesn't sleep in the bed' battle, and the 'Badger doesn't stick his nose in the humans' food' fight. I was happy to give him those victories, because they were little enough. I thought he would be happy with his successes so far.

Oh, how awfully wrong I was.

While my human thought I was in storage, I was in fact being Reformed. I was sent to a special Reform School. It was horrible. It took FOREVER in the Awful Box just to get there, and then the Other Human left me in the hands of a Corrections Officer. Somehow the Other Human had convinced this Corrections Officer that I had Behaviours that needed Correcting. I am not sure why the Corrections Officer was so ready to believe this! I have many Behaviours, some of which are idiosyncratic, some that are learned (I spent many hours in puppy school learning how to steal treats from other dogs how to sit, drop and spin around in circles), and all of which are endearing, but none of which, in my opinion, need Correcting.

I think the Other Human takes issue with my tendency to tell humans and other animals that they are in the wrong place, and that they should go away because I am a big scary dog who is not scared of them at all. He thinks that this is a Behaviour. I think he convinced the Corrections Officer that it was a Behaviour, and that I needed to be Socialised. If that sounds awful, well, it isn't really. I think Socialising means something other than what the Other Human thinks it means.

Socialising means foodies.

... I am perfectly serious.

In order to Socialise me, the Corrections Officer had lots of Humans bring me foodies. As you can imagine, this was extremely relevant to my interests. I am perfectly content to let many lots of Humans bring me foodies. I slowly came to realise that the Corrections Officer was acting in my Best Interests. I do not think that the Other Human paid him enough. Either that, or my natural charms affected a sort of reverse Stockholm Syndrome on the Corrections Officer.

I think the Other Human is sending me back to Reform School next week. I think he will try to convince the Corrections Officer to fix another of my Behaviours, and I also think the Corrections Officer will just give me more foodies. I am looking forward to this, even though it means being away from my Human and giving the Other Human a chance to attempt to usurp my place (which is, as always, In The Way).

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theloldog

March 2010

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Acknowledgement

Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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