theloldog: (Default)

The Humans now have an eating place that is not the couch.  It is a Table, with Chairs.  This means that I cannot maintain eye contact with a Human until said Human gives me foodies.  In fact, they are making me sit on my bed while they are eating.  It does not matter how mournful I look; I must stay on the bed until the Humans are finished eating.

I have already established that by jumping on a Chair I can get on to the Table, but this does not work when a human is sitting on the Chair, or when the Chairs are pushed in.  I have decided, however, that I am not entirely averse to the table as long as I get treats after the Humans have finished eating at it.

Today, also, the Humans poured water on my head.  This, they said, is because I smelled like ‘a dog that has been rolling in grass’.  I think this is a good thing because that is what I am – a dog that has been rolling in grass.  I was quite content with this identity; no conflict at all, but my Humans wanted me to be ‘a dog that smells Baby Powder Fresh’.  And now I am a little of both, on account of my having rolled in the grass to get the Baby Powder Fresh scent off of me as much as possible. 

theloldog: (Default)

My human has been spending time with an Alternate Dog.  This dog is an Alternate Dog because she is by no means a Substitute – I am far too unique for there to be anything other than inferior copies and Alternate Dogs.  I have met this Alternate dog, and she is OLD.  When I met her I asked her if she wanted to play with me and she declined.  I was very put out, and tried to play with her anyway.  Then she got grumpy.  This is how I know she is old – young, sprightly, happy-go-lucky scamps such as myself do not get grumpy.  We have been known to sulk, and occasionally to be gruff, but never grumpy.

The problem with the time spent with this Alternate Dog is it means my Human is Very Far Away, and this I do not like.  I like it very much when she comes back, but not so much when she leaves and when she is not here.  I do not like this alternate dog, I suspect she is the reason for my Human’s prolonged absences.  They say it is something to do with her teeths, but I am dubious.  My teeths are just fine, and she is my Human, and my human and I have grown to be very much alike, and as such her teeths must also be fine.  There is absolutely no flaw to my logic on this point.

I have a new game I like to play with my Humans – I call it the ‘So Happy’ game.  Every time I was exuberantly happy, my Human would sing, “So happy, so happy!” to me.  And so, now when she sings “So Happy” I go from zero to bouncing with joy in a split second.  I do not think my Human realises just how easily I make associations.

I have also been spending a lot of time flolloping in the long grass in my outside (it needs to be Short Grass, say the Humans, but I like to pretend I am hunting through a Jungle for lost treasures, and so I think it needs to stay long).  This has led to me smelling not just like a Dog, but also like a Dog who has been rolling in grass.  My humans do not appreciate my entirely natural perfume, and I have an inkling that they are going to be pouring water on my head sometime soon.

Must dash – there is someone walking past the hoose and I must tell that person to Keep On Walking, Buddy.

theloldog: (Default)
Today my human poured a large volume of water on my head.


I am serious.

My human put me in a very large, slippery box and poured water on me.  When I was thoroughly soaking (and not at all happy about it), she put smelly stuff on her hands and rubbed it all over me.  Normally I do not mind being rubbed, but  this experience was entirely different.  The smelly stuff frothed on my fur and made me turn white.  I am not white, I am a beautiful reddish brown.  I should not be turned white, because the emergency food supply is a white dog and I am not the emergency food supply. 

Afte r I turned white, my human poured even more water on my head.  She wrapped me in a big cloth and rubbed me some more, and then she let me go.

The first thing I did was to make sure I smelled like myself again by rolling and twisting and contorting until all of the bits of me that smelled wrong had been in contact with the carpet which I have cleverly impregnated with my individual scent.  Scenting the carpet was a precautionary measure at first, but it was clearly very Wise, because if I had not done it I would still smell Baby Powder Fresh.  Then I demanded compensation.

I stood in the kitchen and indicated to the human that she should open the Treat Door and get me a slice of Dog Salami.  This is not like Human Salami, because Dog Salami is made from chikkin and thus is infinitely superior to other Salamis.

In the couse of the human's oddly baptismal ritual, she made a Discovery.  When she took off my collar, she saw that there is a bald patch on my chest where the collar has been rubbing against my fur.  I think she did not like this Discovery, because she has not put the collar back on.

I do not understand why I have to wear a collar.  The government implanted a chip between my shoulders that has more information on it than you can fit on a tag, and usually the reason for a collar is to have somewhere to hang a tag.  The same government that implanted the chip insists, though, that I have to have a chip AND a tag.  I think this is Unnecessarily Redundant.

I wonder how my human will handle this situation?  I think my bald patch upset her.  Maybe she won't put the collar back on.  Maybe she will buy me a special padded collar.  I do not know what her plan is, but I am sure that I will find out.

At the same time as my human was pouring water on my head, another dog two storeys below me was having water poured on its head, too.  This is a new dog, who I have not met, but we had a Conversation two nights ago that my human seemed upset about.  I do not know why she does not want me to talk to this new dog.  Humans are very strange.

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theloldog

March 2010

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Acknowledgement

Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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