theloldog: (Default)
I am a dog with many names.  It would be very difficult for me to write my full name because it is so very long.  It would also be difficult for me to write my full name because I can not hold a pen, but that is beside the point.  I am trying to give you an idea of the magnitude of my name.  I think it will be easier to get my point across with another list.  I call this list, "Names I have been called."


  • Badger
  • Badge
  • Budge
  • Budgie
  • Bargearse
  • Woogie
  • Boo
  • Puplet
  • Doglet
  • Doggle
  • Wooglet
  • Sausage
  • Tetrapod
  • Teeth'n'Claws
  • Goat
  • Batty
  • Little Dog
  • Funny Little Dog
  • Mad Little Dog
  • You Little Sod
  • Mad Bugger
  • This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things
  • Aaaaaaaaargh!
I have not been called Nemo, but once a Nemo was called me.  This may or may not be because there is something of a resemblance...

Yesterday my human discovered that the solution to a mad little dog barking for no good reason at a bench or shelf is not, in fact, to put the dog on that bench or shelf to work out what he is barking at.  I demonstrated that the mad little dog will actually jump straight off the bench or shelf, regardless of its height or the danger to himself of jumping.

Soon enough the human will resign herself to the fact that I am barking at absolutely nothing.  She has tried taking everything off the shelf.  She has tried introducing me to the things on the shelf.  She has tried introducing me to the shelf itself.  None of these things have stopped me from barking in the general direction of the shelf.  

My plan for today is to sit on my human, do some more barking, sleep, kill a plushie, play fetch, get taken for a walk, sleep more, bark more, eat and sleep again.  I should get started on these things as it is already late in the morning.  But first I must drink the cup of tea my human has left unattended on the table.  She really should know better

theloldog: (Default)
Contrary to what some may think, there are many reasons why I am good for my human.  In case anyone wishes to dispute this, I am writing a List.  This is my List so far:


  • I do not let her sleep past 10am.  If she tries to, I get all up in her face about it.  Literally.  I do not stop until she realises that trying to stay in bed is not worth finding out how far I can stick my tongue up her nose.
  • I make her get exercise.  This is because I am a mad bugger with way more energy than my mass would suggest who demands at least a 40 minute walk every day.
  • I make her do housework, like vacuuming the carpet.  I am very clever about it, too.  The other day I knocked over a vase full of dried flowers and then I shredded them and spread the detritus all over the lounge room floor.  There were many sticks, which I stripped and then turned into very small woodchips what could only be got out of the carpet by the use of the vaccum.  I must add that this particular example is a huge sacrifice for me - I do not like the vacuum.  It is the only household cleaning implement I do not want to play with.  If she could clean the carpet with a feather duster I would be much happier, but I think this is not actually possible.
  • I make it necessary for her to go near a grocery store every so often, because the grocery store is near to the place she goes to buy me things to chew on that are not her furniture or her fingers.  I like to chew things, and she should eat, which requires food.  Therefore this arrangment is mutually beneficial.
  • On the subject of chewing, my human has learned that if she values a thing and does not put it away where I cannot get it, I will probably chew on it.  So if she does not want it chewed on, she has to put it away.
  • I am also completely adorable, so even if I am not being obnoxious I cannot be ignored.  This is good as it stops her from spending the day mostly catatonic, which is a bad thing for her because she are not a cat, and if she were a cat it would be my duty to tell her that she were a cat, and then she could not be catatonic because I would be being obnoxious and this would get a Reaction of some sort.
I think this is a good start for a list of reasons why I am good for my human.  I welcome further additions, as I am sure there are others I have not thought of or even considered.

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theloldog

March 2010

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Acknowledgement

Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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