theloldog: (Default)
First, I should tell you about two recent additions to the list of Names I Have Been Called.  [ profile] colormonochrome has taken to calling me 'dogbutt', and is much amused when I answer to it more readily than to 'Badger'.  The reasons for this are twofold; first, 'dogbutt' sounds a lot like 'doglet', which latter is a name I am accustomed to hearing; second, when she says, 'dogbutt', she says it with an Enthusiasm that is lacking when she says my other name.  Humans who lack Enthusiasm do not interest me, and will not get my attention.  So, when she says, 'dogbutt' with Enthusiasm, I respond, but when she says 'Badger' without Enthusiasm, I do not.

The other Name I Have Been Called is simply, "Captain Obnoxious".  My human thinks this is list-worthy, even though I think it is rather facile.  I think my human likes it because "Captain Obnoxious" is like "Captain Slow" from Top Gear, who is also known as James May.  "Captain Slow" is perhaps not a particularly flattering nickname, so it is possible that "Captain Obnoxious" is a derogation, if an affectionate one.

I should also address [ profile] arthwollipot 's comment regarding helioparalysis.  In the case of helioparalysis, I am a non-black raven.  That is to say:

Cats suffer from helioparalysis.
I am not a cat.  Nope.  Definitely not a cat.  This is something that I Know, and will Tell anyone who will listen.  I am a Dog, and a Dog is definitely not a Cat.
I suffer from helioparalysis.  I collapse in patches of sunlight.  I follow the sun around the room as it moves.  I wish it wouldn't move, because then I could sleep in the same place all day, but being in the sun is important.  I am perhaps also a heliophile.  If there is a patch of sunlight, and I want to play with a human, I will tell the human to play with me in the sunlight.  I will not play if I have to leave the sunny spot, but if the human will not come to the sunny spot I will continue to tell the human to do so with my Voice.  This is perhaps why I am sometimes called "Captain Obnoxious."  I am a born leader and teller-of-what-others-must-do.  Hence Captain.  I am not sure where the "Obnoxious" part comes from.  I think it may arise from the human's natural dislike of being told what to do.
Returning to my original point. Cats suffer from helioparalysis, I am not a cat, but I suffer from helioparalysis.  Therefore, not all things that suffer from helioparalysis are cats.

In other news, my house has an Infestation that I was not aware of till recently.  There is a moose in the hoose. I mean, a Mouse in the House.  How I did not know this before is beyond me.  The Mouse lives in, of all things, a fish tank.  It comes out of its hidey hole to listen to me tell it that it is a Mouse.  It hides again when I tell the humans about the Mouse.  I think it is a sekrit mouse.  The human must not know about it or she would get it out of its house so that I could play with it, I am sure.  I do not like the fish tank arrangement.  I can see the Mouse and tell it it is a Mouse but I cannot play Fetch the Mouse or any of the games I can think of that I could play with a Mouse.

My human bought me a new squeeker toy today.  It is purple and shaggy and shaped like a Rabbit.  My human and [ profile] colormonochrome  think that it is hidjus and do not object to my killing it.  I haven't succeeded yet.  It may be that this plushie is as resilient as Menchi.  Time will tell.

My human also bought me a bear that is bigger than I am.  I love it.  Repeatedly.  My human finds this behaviour off-putting, but how else do I express my love?  I would tell it with my Voice but it is a plushie and would not hear me.  Showing love by NOT killing it is a negative expression of love.  I want to express my love for the plushie in a way that is observable by the presence, and not the absence of behaviour.  So I am at a loss.  Maybe my human just does not understand the love between a dog and his ridiculously oversized plushie bear.  Then again, she wants me to understand the love between her and a certain ridiculously oversized human and accept that he will be my Other human, so I think my human should make an effort.

I hear that this so called Other Human will be trying to bring in all kinds of crazy reforms like the, "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform and the "Badger can't steal the human's cheese" reform.  He won't last long.  The swing voters will get him.

That said, I like him well enough.  Until, that is, he tries to change the Status Quo.  I will declare war on the Other Human and his mad reforms if he lets the power go to his head.  All I can say is he had better not outlaw chikkin or there will be revolting.  Very revolting.  I have access to a cache of Chemical Weapons, and will use them if called upon.

theloldog: (Default)
I am a dog with many names.  It would be very difficult for me to write my full name because it is so very long.  It would also be difficult for me to write my full name because I can not hold a pen, but that is beside the point.  I am trying to give you an idea of the magnitude of my name.  I think it will be easier to get my point across with another list.  I call this list, "Names I have been called."

  • Badger
  • Badge
  • Budge
  • Budgie
  • Bargearse
  • Woogie
  • Boo
  • Puplet
  • Doglet
  • Doggle
  • Wooglet
  • Sausage
  • Tetrapod
  • Teeth'n'Claws
  • Goat
  • Batty
  • Little Dog
  • Funny Little Dog
  • Mad Little Dog
  • You Little Sod
  • Mad Bugger
  • This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things
  • Aaaaaaaaargh!
I have not been called Nemo, but once a Nemo was called me.  This may or may not be because there is something of a resemblance...

Yesterday my human discovered that the solution to a mad little dog barking for no good reason at a bench or shelf is not, in fact, to put the dog on that bench or shelf to work out what he is barking at.  I demonstrated that the mad little dog will actually jump straight off the bench or shelf, regardless of its height or the danger to himself of jumping.

Soon enough the human will resign herself to the fact that I am barking at absolutely nothing.  She has tried taking everything off the shelf.  She has tried introducing me to the things on the shelf.  She has tried introducing me to the shelf itself.  None of these things have stopped me from barking in the general direction of the shelf.  

My plan for today is to sit on my human, do some more barking, sleep, kill a plushie, play fetch, get taken for a walk, sleep more, bark more, eat and sleep again.  I should get started on these things as it is already late in the morning.  But first I must drink the cup of tea my human has left unattended on the table.  She really should know better


theloldog: (Default)

March 2010



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Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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