theloldog: (Default)
First, I should tell you about two recent additions to the list of Names I Have Been Called.  [livejournal.com profile] colormonochrome has taken to calling me 'dogbutt', and is much amused when I answer to it more readily than to 'Badger'.  The reasons for this are twofold; first, 'dogbutt' sounds a lot like 'doglet', which latter is a name I am accustomed to hearing; second, when she says, 'dogbutt', she says it with an Enthusiasm that is lacking when she says my other name.  Humans who lack Enthusiasm do not interest me, and will not get my attention.  So, when she says, 'dogbutt' with Enthusiasm, I respond, but when she says 'Badger' without Enthusiasm, I do not.

The other Name I Have Been Called is simply, "Captain Obnoxious".  My human thinks this is list-worthy, even though I think it is rather facile.  I think my human likes it because "Captain Obnoxious" is like "Captain Slow" from Top Gear, who is also known as James May.  "Captain Slow" is perhaps not a particularly flattering nickname, so it is possible that "Captain Obnoxious" is a derogation, if an affectionate one.

I should also address [livejournal.com profile] arthwollipot 's comment regarding helioparalysis.  In the case of helioparalysis, I am a non-black raven.  That is to say:

Cats suffer from helioparalysis.
I am not a cat.  Nope.  Definitely not a cat.  This is something that I Know, and will Tell anyone who will listen.  I am a Dog, and a Dog is definitely not a Cat.
I suffer from helioparalysis.  I collapse in patches of sunlight.  I follow the sun around the room as it moves.  I wish it wouldn't move, because then I could sleep in the same place all day, but being in the sun is important.  I am perhaps also a heliophile.  If there is a patch of sunlight, and I want to play with a human, I will tell the human to play with me in the sunlight.  I will not play if I have to leave the sunny spot, but if the human will not come to the sunny spot I will continue to tell the human to do so with my Voice.  This is perhaps why I am sometimes called "Captain Obnoxious."  I am a born leader and teller-of-what-others-must-do.  Hence Captain.  I am not sure where the "Obnoxious" part comes from.  I think it may arise from the human's natural dislike of being told what to do.
Returning to my original point. Cats suffer from helioparalysis, I am not a cat, but I suffer from helioparalysis.  Therefore, not all things that suffer from helioparalysis are cats.

In other news, my house has an Infestation that I was not aware of till recently.  There is a moose in the hoose. I mean, a Mouse in the House.  How I did not know this before is beyond me.  The Mouse lives in, of all things, a fish tank.  It comes out of its hidey hole to listen to me tell it that it is a Mouse.  It hides again when I tell the humans about the Mouse.  I think it is a sekrit mouse.  The human must not know about it or she would get it out of its house so that I could play with it, I am sure.  I do not like the fish tank arrangement.  I can see the Mouse and tell it it is a Mouse but I cannot play Fetch the Mouse or any of the games I can think of that I could play with a Mouse.

My human bought me a new squeeker toy today.  It is purple and shaggy and shaped like a Rabbit.  My human and [livejournal.com profile] colormonochrome  think that it is hidjus and do not object to my killing it.  I haven't succeeded yet.  It may be that this plushie is as resilient as Menchi.  Time will tell.

My human also bought me a bear that is bigger than I am.  I love it.  Repeatedly.  My human finds this behaviour off-putting, but how else do I express my love?  I would tell it with my Voice but it is a plushie and would not hear me.  Showing love by NOT killing it is a negative expression of love.  I want to express my love for the plushie in a way that is observable by the presence, and not the absence of behaviour.  So I am at a loss.  Maybe my human just does not understand the love between a dog and his ridiculously oversized plushie bear.  Then again, she wants me to understand the love between her and a certain ridiculously oversized human and accept that he will be my Other human, so I think my human should make an effort.

I hear that this so called Other Human will be trying to bring in all kinds of crazy reforms like the, "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform and the "Badger can't steal the human's cheese" reform.  He won't last long.  The swing voters will get him.

That said, I like him well enough.  Until, that is, he tries to change the Status Quo.  I will declare war on the Other Human and his mad reforms if he lets the power go to his head.  All I can say is he had better not outlaw chikkin or there will be revolting.  Very revolting.  I have access to a cache of Chemical Weapons, and will use them if called upon.




theloldog: (Default)
Yesterday, I et a packet of peppermint tea bags.  I got them from the dining table.  I nearly et some organic dutch cocoa, but it wouldn't come out of the jar.  I also et the plushie representing our emergency food supply.  My human was not happy.  She says this does not bode well for her survival in the zombie apocalypse.  She says if I will not at least ration our emergency food supply it does not bode well for my survival, either.

My human bought me a new plushie yesterday.  It was turtle shaped and floofy and colourful and it squeeked and I killed it.  Now I have a deflated turtle-plushie carcass and the lounge room carpet is covered in turtle-plushie viscera.  The squeekers still work, though.  That is on my list for today.  Kill the squeeekers.  Kill them dead.  It may also be on my human's list.

So far today I have baleeted my human's livejournal bookmark.  She still can not work out how I did it.  I think she underestimates my knowledge of Firefox keyboard shortcuts.  I have further plans, but they will wait until I have dealt with this donut shaped rawhide thingy my human has just given me.  I must gnaw it into submission before any further plans can be put into action.

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theloldog

March 2010

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Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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