theloldog: (Default)

The Humans now have an eating place that is not the couch.  It is a Table, with Chairs.  This means that I cannot maintain eye contact with a Human until said Human gives me foodies.  In fact, they are making me sit on my bed while they are eating.  It does not matter how mournful I look; I must stay on the bed until the Humans are finished eating.

I have already established that by jumping on a Chair I can get on to the Table, but this does not work when a human is sitting on the Chair, or when the Chairs are pushed in.  I have decided, however, that I am not entirely averse to the table as long as I get treats after the Humans have finished eating at it.

Today, also, the Humans poured water on my head.  This, they said, is because I smelled like ‘a dog that has been rolling in grass’.  I think this is a good thing because that is what I am – a dog that has been rolling in grass.  I was quite content with this identity; no conflict at all, but my Humans wanted me to be ‘a dog that smells Baby Powder Fresh’.  And now I am a little of both, on account of my having rolled in the grass to get the Baby Powder Fresh scent off of me as much as possible. 

theloldog: (Default)
My incarceration is finally at an end. I have been reunited with my humans. This is a Very Good Thing for All Concerned.

But I am starting at the end of the story, when I should start at the beginning.

The Other Human has taken Drastic Measures to implement his many changes to the status quo. He won the 'Badger doesn't sleep in the bed' battle, and the 'Badger doesn't stick his nose in the humans' food' fight. I was happy to give him those victories, because they were little enough. I thought he would be happy with his successes so far.

Oh, how awfully wrong I was.

While my human thought I was in storage, I was in fact being Reformed. I was sent to a special Reform School. It was horrible. It took FOREVER in the Awful Box just to get there, and then the Other Human left me in the hands of a Corrections Officer. Somehow the Other Human had convinced this Corrections Officer that I had Behaviours that needed Correcting. I am not sure why the Corrections Officer was so ready to believe this! I have many Behaviours, some of which are idiosyncratic, some that are learned (I spent many hours in puppy school learning how to steal treats from other dogs how to sit, drop and spin around in circles), and all of which are endearing, but none of which, in my opinion, need Correcting.

I think the Other Human takes issue with my tendency to tell humans and other animals that they are in the wrong place, and that they should go away because I am a big scary dog who is not scared of them at all. He thinks that this is a Behaviour. I think he convinced the Corrections Officer that it was a Behaviour, and that I needed to be Socialised. If that sounds awful, well, it isn't really. I think Socialising means something other than what the Other Human thinks it means.

Socialising means foodies.

... I am perfectly serious.

In order to Socialise me, the Corrections Officer had lots of Humans bring me foodies. As you can imagine, this was extremely relevant to my interests. I am perfectly content to let many lots of Humans bring me foodies. I slowly came to realise that the Corrections Officer was acting in my Best Interests. I do not think that the Other Human paid him enough. Either that, or my natural charms affected a sort of reverse Stockholm Syndrome on the Corrections Officer.

I think the Other Human is sending me back to Reform School next week. I think he will try to convince the Corrections Officer to fix another of my Behaviours, and I also think the Corrections Officer will just give me more foodies. I am looking forward to this, even though it means being away from my Human and giving the Other Human a chance to attempt to usurp my place (which is, as always, In The Way).
theloldog: (Default)
It has happened. The Other Human has begun his reforms. He appeared out of nowhere and began to change things. This does not make me happy.

This is how it was: my human and I were sleeping on the awesome couch, under blankets, near the large heater. This was a good arrangement. I approved. Before that, the human was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the bedroom, but it was a Bad Mattress, and it broke her back. The couch did not, so it made more sense for her to sleep there.

Then the Other Human showed up, and, with two Other Other Humans, brought in a new bed. It was clear to me that this was Phase 1 of the "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform. I knew this because the Other Other Humans who brought the bed did not also bring steps or a ramp to help me get on to the bed. If I can not get on the bed, then I can not sleep in it. Hence the assumption that this is part of the Other Human's mad scheme to change The Way Things Are.

What the other human does not realise is that his plan failed at conception.

Being a dachshund, I flollop. This is because I am a distant relative of the Mattress. The way in which we are related is that we are both springy. I am springy enough to jump from the ground on to the bed. Therefore, if I am in the bedroom, I can not be kept off the bed. And this bed is not particularly high off the ground, anyway. I do not even have to employ my Mighty Leap to get on to it! (I have to use my Mighty Leap to get on to such things as the dining table.)

The Other Human clearly did not think this through. This does not bode well for his other reforms, but it does bode well for the Status Quo.

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theloldog

March 2010

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Acknowledgement

Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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