theloldog: (Default)
My incarceration is finally at an end. I have been reunited with my humans. This is a Very Good Thing for All Concerned.

But I am starting at the end of the story, when I should start at the beginning.

The Other Human has taken Drastic Measures to implement his many changes to the status quo. He won the 'Badger doesn't sleep in the bed' battle, and the 'Badger doesn't stick his nose in the humans' food' fight. I was happy to give him those victories, because they were little enough. I thought he would be happy with his successes so far.

Oh, how awfully wrong I was.

While my human thought I was in storage, I was in fact being Reformed. I was sent to a special Reform School. It was horrible. It took FOREVER in the Awful Box just to get there, and then the Other Human left me in the hands of a Corrections Officer. Somehow the Other Human had convinced this Corrections Officer that I had Behaviours that needed Correcting. I am not sure why the Corrections Officer was so ready to believe this! I have many Behaviours, some of which are idiosyncratic, some that are learned (I spent many hours in puppy school learning how to steal treats from other dogs how to sit, drop and spin around in circles), and all of which are endearing, but none of which, in my opinion, need Correcting.

I think the Other Human takes issue with my tendency to tell humans and other animals that they are in the wrong place, and that they should go away because I am a big scary dog who is not scared of them at all. He thinks that this is a Behaviour. I think he convinced the Corrections Officer that it was a Behaviour, and that I needed to be Socialised. If that sounds awful, well, it isn't really. I think Socialising means something other than what the Other Human thinks it means.

Socialising means foodies.

... I am perfectly serious.

In order to Socialise me, the Corrections Officer had lots of Humans bring me foodies. As you can imagine, this was extremely relevant to my interests. I am perfectly content to let many lots of Humans bring me foodies. I slowly came to realise that the Corrections Officer was acting in my Best Interests. I do not think that the Other Human paid him enough. Either that, or my natural charms affected a sort of reverse Stockholm Syndrome on the Corrections Officer.

I think the Other Human is sending me back to Reform School next week. I think he will try to convince the Corrections Officer to fix another of my Behaviours, and I also think the Corrections Officer will just give me more foodies. I am looking forward to this, even though it means being away from my Human and giving the Other Human a chance to attempt to usurp my place (which is, as always, In The Way).
theloldog: (Default)
I do not know what happened.  I was in the re-education camp, then I was with my humans, then there was this small yellow pill.  The next thing I remember is getting out of the wheely zoomy box ... on MARS.  Or maybe not actually Mars, but it might as well be.

My couch is here.  The humans' bed is here.  There are things that smell like me, but I think they're meant to fool me.  I am not fooled.  I do NOT know where I am, familiar scents notwithstanding.

My humans and I, and an inexplicable assortment of familiar items have been Transported. 

My humans don't seem to have been adversely affected, but I am definitely suffering for the change.  It does not help that my humans have gone mad.  They keep trying to convince me that it is a good idea to go up and down a flight of Stairs.  This is Not a Good Idea.  I am not built for stairs.  I am too delicate.  Steps, yes.  Stairs, no.  I get carried up stairs.  That is how it works.  My humans seem to have forgotten this.  So perhaps they have been made amnesic by the Transportation.

The humans also have failed to notice that my floor space has shrunk.  I need to do two laps of the lounge room for every one I used to do BT (Before Transportation).  I notice these things, because I am Observant.  I have made an Empirical Study of the dimensions of this floor, and it is definitely smaller.

The other thing that is small and different and that I do not like is the Box.  The Box has an open door.  I know it is a trap, so even though my bedding is in the Box, I will not go inside.  The door will close on me and I will be Transported again, and this is an Unacceptable Outcome of an easily avoided set of actions (ie going inside the Box and lying down).

I am not sure how I feel about life on Mars (or wherever this is...).  I will have to further explore the area to make an accurate assessment of its suitability.  I know that there are other dogs here.  I have had Conversations with them.  I have also met some humans.  There are a lot of those here.
theloldog: (Default)
It has happened. The Other Human has begun his reforms. He appeared out of nowhere and began to change things. This does not make me happy.

This is how it was: my human and I were sleeping on the awesome couch, under blankets, near the large heater. This was a good arrangement. I approved. Before that, the human was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the bedroom, but it was a Bad Mattress, and it broke her back. The couch did not, so it made more sense for her to sleep there.

Then the Other Human showed up, and, with two Other Other Humans, brought in a new bed. It was clear to me that this was Phase 1 of the "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform. I knew this because the Other Other Humans who brought the bed did not also bring steps or a ramp to help me get on to the bed. If I can not get on the bed, then I can not sleep in it. Hence the assumption that this is part of the Other Human's mad scheme to change The Way Things Are.

What the other human does not realise is that his plan failed at conception.

Being a dachshund, I flollop. This is because I am a distant relative of the Mattress. The way in which we are related is that we are both springy. I am springy enough to jump from the ground on to the bed. Therefore, if I am in the bedroom, I can not be kept off the bed. And this bed is not particularly high off the ground, anyway. I do not even have to employ my Mighty Leap to get on to it! (I have to use my Mighty Leap to get on to such things as the dining table.)

The Other Human clearly did not think this through. This does not bode well for his other reforms, but it does bode well for the Status Quo.
theloldog: (Default)
First, I should tell you about two recent additions to the list of Names I Have Been Called.  [ profile] colormonochrome has taken to calling me 'dogbutt', and is much amused when I answer to it more readily than to 'Badger'.  The reasons for this are twofold; first, 'dogbutt' sounds a lot like 'doglet', which latter is a name I am accustomed to hearing; second, when she says, 'dogbutt', she says it with an Enthusiasm that is lacking when she says my other name.  Humans who lack Enthusiasm do not interest me, and will not get my attention.  So, when she says, 'dogbutt' with Enthusiasm, I respond, but when she says 'Badger' without Enthusiasm, I do not.

The other Name I Have Been Called is simply, "Captain Obnoxious".  My human thinks this is list-worthy, even though I think it is rather facile.  I think my human likes it because "Captain Obnoxious" is like "Captain Slow" from Top Gear, who is also known as James May.  "Captain Slow" is perhaps not a particularly flattering nickname, so it is possible that "Captain Obnoxious" is a derogation, if an affectionate one.

I should also address [ profile] arthwollipot 's comment regarding helioparalysis.  In the case of helioparalysis, I am a non-black raven.  That is to say:

Cats suffer from helioparalysis.
I am not a cat.  Nope.  Definitely not a cat.  This is something that I Know, and will Tell anyone who will listen.  I am a Dog, and a Dog is definitely not a Cat.
I suffer from helioparalysis.  I collapse in patches of sunlight.  I follow the sun around the room as it moves.  I wish it wouldn't move, because then I could sleep in the same place all day, but being in the sun is important.  I am perhaps also a heliophile.  If there is a patch of sunlight, and I want to play with a human, I will tell the human to play with me in the sunlight.  I will not play if I have to leave the sunny spot, but if the human will not come to the sunny spot I will continue to tell the human to do so with my Voice.  This is perhaps why I am sometimes called "Captain Obnoxious."  I am a born leader and teller-of-what-others-must-do.  Hence Captain.  I am not sure where the "Obnoxious" part comes from.  I think it may arise from the human's natural dislike of being told what to do.
Returning to my original point. Cats suffer from helioparalysis, I am not a cat, but I suffer from helioparalysis.  Therefore, not all things that suffer from helioparalysis are cats.

In other news, my house has an Infestation that I was not aware of till recently.  There is a moose in the hoose. I mean, a Mouse in the House.  How I did not know this before is beyond me.  The Mouse lives in, of all things, a fish tank.  It comes out of its hidey hole to listen to me tell it that it is a Mouse.  It hides again when I tell the humans about the Mouse.  I think it is a sekrit mouse.  The human must not know about it or she would get it out of its house so that I could play with it, I am sure.  I do not like the fish tank arrangement.  I can see the Mouse and tell it it is a Mouse but I cannot play Fetch the Mouse or any of the games I can think of that I could play with a Mouse.

My human bought me a new squeeker toy today.  It is purple and shaggy and shaped like a Rabbit.  My human and [ profile] colormonochrome  think that it is hidjus and do not object to my killing it.  I haven't succeeded yet.  It may be that this plushie is as resilient as Menchi.  Time will tell.

My human also bought me a bear that is bigger than I am.  I love it.  Repeatedly.  My human finds this behaviour off-putting, but how else do I express my love?  I would tell it with my Voice but it is a plushie and would not hear me.  Showing love by NOT killing it is a negative expression of love.  I want to express my love for the plushie in a way that is observable by the presence, and not the absence of behaviour.  So I am at a loss.  Maybe my human just does not understand the love between a dog and his ridiculously oversized plushie bear.  Then again, she wants me to understand the love between her and a certain ridiculously oversized human and accept that he will be my Other human, so I think my human should make an effort.

I hear that this so called Other Human will be trying to bring in all kinds of crazy reforms like the, "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform and the "Badger can't steal the human's cheese" reform.  He won't last long.  The swing voters will get him.

That said, I like him well enough.  Until, that is, he tries to change the Status Quo.  I will declare war on the Other Human and his mad reforms if he lets the power go to his head.  All I can say is he had better not outlaw chikkin or there will be revolting.  Very revolting.  I have access to a cache of Chemical Weapons, and will use them if called upon.


theloldog: (Default)

March 2010



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Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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