Canine Capers

The Humans now have an eating place that is not the couch.  It is a Table, with Chairs.  This means that I cannot maintain eye contact with a Human until said Human gives me foodies.  In fact, they are making me sit on my bed while they are eating.  It does not matter how mournful I look; I must stay on the bed until the Humans are finished eating.

I have already established that by jumping on a Chair I can get on to the Table, but this does not work when a human is sitting on the Chair, or when the Chairs are pushed in.  I have decided, however, that I am not entirely averse to the table as long as I get treats after the Humans have finished eating at it.

Today, also, the Humans poured water on my head.  This, they said, is because I smelled like ‘a dog that has been rolling in grass’.  I think this is a good thing because that is what I am – a dog that has been rolling in grass.  I was quite content with this identity; no conflict at all, but my Humans wanted me to be ‘a dog that smells Baby Powder Fresh’.  And now I am a little of both, on account of my having rolled in the grass to get the Baby Powder Fresh scent off of me as much as possible. 

We went to the parking lot viewing box again last night. The picture was about blue humans with tails. This fact made them Superior, in my opinion, to other humans. If humans had tails, they would be more like hoonds, and that can only be a good thing.

In the picture, the humans without tails did not realise that the blue humans were Special, if not Superior to regular humans. This meant that the regular humans were not relevant to my interests. I think that the non-tailed humans were jealous of the blue humans with tails, and tried to find out how to get tails of their own by using Brute Force and Ignorance. I did not really like the regular humans, so I slept through all of the parts where there were lots of them.

My favourite part of the picture by far had to do with some lizards with wings, but telling you about that would be spoilerish, and I do not want to spoil it for you.

My humans bought a chikkin today. I know because I can smell it. I think that the chikkin is for me, because the humans do not eat chikkin. I do not really understand this, because to me chikkin is the Best Thing Ever. I also do not understand why the humans will not give me the chikkin now, no matter how loudly I tell them to.

My humans are making a regular Thing of going to the carpark picture viewing box. We have been there twice since my last post! Last time, the moving picture had only three humans in it, and an inwisible something. The third human was only in two scenes - the inwisible something was in a lot more, and thus was a Major Character, where the third human was not, on account of his being a Minor Character whose only purpose was Exposition. The inwisible something could make Things happen. Mostly, the other two humans slept, or watched the inwisible something make Things happen.

I am not one for giving Spoilers, but I will say that it should have ended about ten seconds before it did. I know this because I woke up just before the ending. I did not need to see the rest of the moving picture to know that the ending was Too Much.

This time, the humans went to see a movie with Howling. This was very relevant to my interest as I am a dog, and dogs are known to Howl. The things in the movie that Howled were not dogs, though. I do not know what else, that is not a dog, howls, therefore these things must have been Monsters. They were certainly Wild Things, because dogs are Wild Things, and they are the only creatures that I know of that howl. Therefore the Howling Monsters were Wild Things, even if they were not dogs. And they were there, on the viewing box. I thought to myself during the picture that there, on the screen, were Wild Things. 'Therefore," I thought, "on the screen is Where The Wild Things Are."

I was very pleased with this discovery and tried to share it with my humans, but they did not want to listen to me, despite my Cleverness. They told me to 'Shhhh!'. I do not know how to 'Shhhh!'.

I was unimpressed with their lack of desire to bask in my Cleverness. I was also unimpressed that they did not share the foodies. So I fell alseep and did not watch the moving picture. I did see the Ending, because a dog barks near the ending and this, being relevant to my interests, was worthy of my Attention.

In other news, I am Shedding. I am doing this so that everything my human wears will be covered in my fur, and she can take me with her everywhere she goes. This is a very Thoughtful thing for me to do, because if I did not do it she would have to leave me behind sometimes, and that distresses me her.

My humans took me on an Excursion!

I thought it would be an adwenture, because we went out in the wheely zoomy box, but instead the humans took me to a parking lot.  They stayed in the parking lot for EVER.  I was so bored that I fell asleep.  I did get to eat leftover foodies, which made this a bonus Excursion, but we did not leave the wheely zoomy box.   I thought this was very strange.

The parking lot had a big picture viewing box, and the humans were very interested in both the viewing box and the wheely zoomy sounding box.  (That is the box that sounds that are not wheely zoomy sounds come out of - sometimes the sounds are human howlings and sometimes they are human barkings.  This time was peculiar in that the sounding box had both howling and barking sounds coming out of it.)

I think my humans spent the whole time we were in the parking lot looking at the viewing box.  It was not relevant to my interests, so when I finished my foodies I fell asleep.

My humans call the parking lot a drive-in mooooovie, but this does not make sense because nothing was moving.  Especially not me.  But I did get to eat human foodies, and sit in the front of the wheely zoomy box.  Usually my humans do not like me to sit in the front of the wheely zoomy box because I cause an Obstruction.  This is because I usually want to sit on the lap of the human who is operating the wheely zoomy box.

Despite being a very strange event, I would not object if my humans made another excursion to the drive-in moooovie, becaise I like travelling in the wheely zoomy box, and I like being with my humans.  Even if what they are doing when we get where we are going does not make sense.

I have discovered TRAINs.  This is a term I coined myself.  It is, in fact, an acronym.  TRAIN stands for Travelling Room And Intracity Negotiator.

The TRAIN is a Great Leap Forward with respect to equal rights for humans and me, because I am allowed to use the TRAIN.  I have discovered that the TRAIN is useful for multiplying the number of humans who are paying attention to me at any given time.  While I am on a train, I get bonus attention from other humans in the Travelling Room.

I call it a Travelling Room because to me it looks an awful lot like a Waiting Room (dog doctors have these, and I am not a fan of them when they are obviously a dog doctor Waiting Room, but other types of Waiting Room that are relevant to my interests are acceptable).  Humans enter the Travelling Room, and when it has Negotiated its way to the part of the city in which they wish to be, they leave the Travelling Room.  Hence it is also an Intracity Negotiator.

I also approve of the TRAIN because it takes me to see subtle_eye in the middle of the day, when I usually do not get to see him because on most days he is Gainfully Employed, unlike miss_terri_girl who is one of the Idle Poor.  When I go on the TRAIN to see subtle_eye , I get a chance to have a City Adwenture.

Cities are awfully big.  I mean really, really, really big.  Not like Canberra, which is not so big compared to a City.  They are loud and there are lots of humans and wheely zoomy things.  If I spend too much time in the City I start to feel like it is All Too Much for me and I need a nap and some chikkin to make up for how it is All Too Much.  But there are parts of the City that I like, because the City, though a lot of it is like a louder dirtier colder Inside, has some patches of Outside where I can flollop and explore and find new humans to meet and things to do.

Today in the City I met a binary bird.  It was made of  black and of white and it swooped me from behind like a coward, so I chased it.  I am at War with binary birds.  Usually I chase the birds and the birds fly away.  The birds do not chase me.  Binary birds do things the wrong way around, and this upsets the Natural Order of Things.  So I have declared War.

I have not declared war on small humans, but they still worry me because I do not understand why they have to be so small at me.  I ask them why they are so small and this frightens them because my Voice is Mighty even though I am small.  What we have here, as a famous human would say, is a Failure to Communicate.

One day I will work out how to communicate with small humans.  It takes longer when they will not stay with me for long enough for me to adjust to their diminutive stature.  My human thinks I need a captive small human to talk to, but does not know where she will find one.  She thinks maybe the Neighbour Who Likes Me (all of the neighbours like me, of course, but this one Likes me, and has offered to go on walks with me) will let me talk to her small human sometimes.

I have had a Very Big Day, so I think it is time for me to curl up on my doona (the human says it is a queen sized doona that I have Appropriated For My Own Purposes without her permission, but I say it is a me-sized doona that is obviously mine).  I do not know what kind of adwenture there will be in store for me tomorrow, but I am sure everyone will be interested.

It has happened. The Other Human has begun his reforms. He appeared out of nowhere and began to change things. This does not make me happy.

This is how it was: my human and I were sleeping on the awesome couch, under blankets, near the large heater. This was a good arrangement. I approved. Before that, the human was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the bedroom, but it was a Bad Mattress, and it broke her back. The couch did not, so it made more sense for her to sleep there.

Then the Other Human showed up, and, with two Other Other Humans, brought in a new bed. It was clear to me that this was Phase 1 of the "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform. I knew this because the Other Other Humans who brought the bed did not also bring steps or a ramp to help me get on to the bed. If I can not get on the bed, then I can not sleep in it. Hence the assumption that this is part of the Other Human's mad scheme to change The Way Things Are.

What the other human does not realise is that his plan failed at conception.

Being a dachshund, I flollop. This is because I am a distant relative of the Mattress. The way in which we are related is that we are both springy. I am springy enough to jump from the ground on to the bed. Therefore, if I am in the bedroom, I can not be kept off the bed. And this bed is not particularly high off the ground, anyway. I do not even have to employ my Mighty Leap to get on to it! (I have to use my Mighty Leap to get on to such things as the dining table.)

The Other Human clearly did not think this through. This does not bode well for his other reforms, but it does bode well for the Status Quo.

First, I should tell you about two recent additions to the list of Names I Have Been Called.  colormonochrome has taken to calling me 'dogbutt', and is much amused when I answer to it more readily than to 'Badger'.  The reasons for this are twofold; first, 'dogbutt' sounds a lot like 'doglet', which latter is a name I am accustomed to hearing; second, when she says, 'dogbutt', she says it with an Enthusiasm that is lacking when she says my other name.  Humans who lack Enthusiasm do not interest me, and will not get my attention.  So, when she says, 'dogbutt' with Enthusiasm, I respond, but when she says 'Badger' without Enthusiasm, I do not.

The other Name I Have Been Called is simply, "Captain Obnoxious".  My human thinks this is list-worthy, even though I think it is rather facile.  I think my human likes it because "Captain Obnoxious" is like "Captain Slow" from Top Gear, who is also known as James May.  "Captain Slow" is perhaps not a particularly flattering nickname, so it is possible that "Captain Obnoxious" is a derogation, if an affectionate one.

I should also address arthwollipot 's comment regarding helioparalysis.  In the case of helioparalysis, I am a non-black raven.  That is to say:

Cats suffer from helioparalysis.
I am not a cat.  Nope.  Definitely not a cat.  This is something that I Know, and will Tell anyone who will listen.  I am a Dog, and a Dog is definitely not a Cat.
I suffer from helioparalysis.  I collapse in patches of sunlight.  I follow the sun around the room as it moves.  I wish it wouldn't move, because then I could sleep in the same place all day, but being in the sun is important.  I am perhaps also a heliophile.  If there is a patch of sunlight, and I want to play with a human, I will tell the human to play with me in the sunlight.  I will not play if I have to leave the sunny spot, but if the human will not come to the sunny spot I will continue to tell the human to do so with my Voice.  This is perhaps why I am sometimes called "Captain Obnoxious."  I am a born leader and teller-of-what-others-must-do.  Hence Captain.  I am not sure where the "Obnoxious" part comes from.  I think it may arise from the human's natural dislike of being told what to do.
Returning to my original point. Cats suffer from helioparalysis, I am not a cat, but I suffer from helioparalysis.  Therefore, not all things that suffer from helioparalysis are cats.

In other news, my house has an Infestation that I was not aware of till recently.  There is a moose in the hoose. I mean, a Mouse in the House.  How I did not know this before is beyond me.  The Mouse lives in, of all things, a fish tank.  It comes out of its hidey hole to listen to me tell it that it is a Mouse.  It hides again when I tell the humans about the Mouse.  I think it is a sekrit mouse.  The human must not know about it or she would get it out of its house so that I could play with it, I am sure.  I do not like the fish tank arrangement.  I can see the Mouse and tell it it is a Mouse but I cannot play Fetch the Mouse or any of the games I can think of that I could play with a Mouse.

My human bought me a new squeeker toy today.  It is purple and shaggy and shaped like a Rabbit.  My human and colormonochrome  think that it is hidjus and do not object to my killing it.  I haven't succeeded yet.  It may be that this plushie is as resilient as Menchi.  Time will tell.

My human also bought me a bear that is bigger than I am.  I love it.  Repeatedly.  My human finds this behaviour off-putting, but how else do I express my love?  I would tell it with my Voice but it is a plushie and would not hear me.  Showing love by NOT killing it is a negative expression of love.  I want to express my love for the plushie in a way that is observable by the presence, and not the absence of behaviour.  So I am at a loss.  Maybe my human just does not understand the love between a dog and his ridiculously oversized plushie bear.  Then again, she wants me to understand the love between her and a certain ridiculously oversized human and accept that he will be my Other human, so I think my human should make an effort.

I hear that this so called Other Human will be trying to bring in all kinds of crazy reforms like the, "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform and the "Badger can't steal the human's cheese" reform.  He won't last long.  The swing voters will get him.

That said, I like him well enough.  Until, that is, he tries to change the Status Quo.  I will declare war on the Other Human and his mad reforms if he lets the power go to his head.  All I can say is he had better not outlaw chikkin or there will be revolting.  Very revolting.  I have access to a cache of Chemical Weapons, and will use them if called upon.

I have many Ideas about what to post.  I expect I will be a prolific blogger.  In the future I will talk about the Alphabet and Helioparalysis, but today my topic is the game of Fetch.

Fetch is not as simple as the 'human throws, dog chases and brings back' paradigm.  There are many variants.  For instance, there is 'human throws, dog chases, dog fails to find, dog returns without' and its corollary, 'human throws, dog chases, dog fails to find, dog brings back something else'.  There is also 'human throws, dog chases and brings back but fails to surrender' - that is one of my favourite variants because it combines the game of Fetch with another favourite of mine, Tug-of-War (also known as 'Never Give Up, Never Surrender').  These variants on the game of Fetch are the ones I play when I am feeling Energetic.

When I am feeling Clever, the game of Fetch is played differently.  It goes something like this:

I sit on the couch with an item that I am allowed to chew or otherwise consume.  Using my paw or my nose, I throw the item off the couch.  I then look at the nearest human, and wait until the human understands that he or she must Fetch the item.  The human brings the item back, and then I might chew it for a while, or I might throw it again straight away.

This game is a perfect example of how Classical Conditioning can, in fact, work against a human.  I have learned that the human will pick up things for me if I drop them, and I am conditioning other humans to do the same.  It helps that I can look Adorable and Mournful on demand when I have, in fact, sneakily thrown the item rather than having it drop and become too difficult for me to reach.

Humans have discovered that Classical Conditioning is a very simple concept.  They have not, on the whole, realised that it is so simple that a small, funny lookin' dog can learn how to use it against them.

Humans can be obtuse sometimes.

Contrary to what some may think, there are many reasons why I am good for my human.  In case anyone wishes to dispute this, I am writing a List.  This is my List so far:

• I do not let her sleep past 10am.  If she tries to, I get all up in her face about it.  Literally.  I do not stop until she realises that trying to stay in bed is not worth finding out how far I can stick my tongue up her nose.
• I make her get exercise.  This is because I am a mad bugger with way more energy than my mass would suggest who demands at least a 40 minute walk every day.
• I make her do housework, like vacuuming the carpet.  I am very clever about it, too.  The other day I knocked over a vase full of dried flowers and then I shredded them and spread the detritus all over the lounge room floor.  There were many sticks, which I stripped and then turned into very small woodchips what could only be got out of the carpet by the use of the vaccum.  I must add that this particular example is a huge sacrifice for me - I do not like the vacuum.  It is the only household cleaning implement I do not want to play with.  If she could clean the carpet with a feather duster I would be much happier, but I think this is not actually possible.
• I make it necessary for her to go near a grocery store every so often, because the grocery store is near to the place she goes to buy me things to chew on that are not her furniture or her fingers.  I like to chew things, and she should eat, which requires food.  Therefore this arrangment is mutually beneficial.
• On the subject of chewing, my human has learned that if she values a thing and does not put it away where I cannot get it, I will probably chew on it.  So if she does not want it chewed on, she has to put it away.
• I am also completely adorable, so even if I am not being obnoxious I cannot be ignored.  This is good as it stops her from spending the day mostly catatonic, which is a bad thing for her because she are not a cat, and if she were a cat it would be my duty to tell her that she were a cat, and then she could not be catatonic because I would be being obnoxious and this would get a Reaction of some sort.

I think this is a good start for a list of reasons why I am good for my human.  I welcome further additions, as I am sure there are others I have not thought of or even considered.

I have met the Enemy. The Enemy is 'completely mad', and wants a white fluffy cat, and the Enemy's mission in life is to Get Rid Of me. The Enemy is hence my Nemesis.

Recently my human went away. She was very sick so her human vet sent her to a sick house for sick humans with sicknesses. I am secretly glad that humans also have vets that make them swallow vile concoctions and put things in their ears and noses and jab them with pointy things, but that is beside the point. While my human was away, The Enemy made a move. The Enemy invaded my house and picked things up and put them down again in the wrong places and ransacked and deviously reorganised every thing putty inny box so my human would suffer Confusion and Anxiety and would perhaps not notice my absence in her Confusion.

You see, the last thing the Enemy did was shove me in a cage and forcibly remove me from my home. I was taken to a Facility at an Undisclosed Location and placed under guard. I tried to escape, but the walls were too high for me to jump and too thick to tunnel under. They tried to poison me. They laced chikkin mince with Advantage, which tastes so vile it MUST be poison. I did not eat it, even though there was chikkin. Even in my weakened state, I continued my escape attempts. They cut my claws so I could not dig, and they tried to subdue me with the most insidious form of torture known to canine - water and shampoo. I did not lose hope. I knew that my human would find out what the Enemy had done and would rescue me, even if she could not leave the sick house for sick humans with sicknesses. I persevered through nearly three weeks of captivity. My spirit was not broken.

And then the glorious day arrived - subtle_eye stormed the Facility in the wheely zoomy metal box thing, defeated my captors with Money, and together we rescued my human from her own captivity. She had also been locked in a Facility, but that is another story.

I was so happy to see my human again. Because of his valiant efforts, I have decided that subtle_eye is Good People. I wasn't sure at first. He took me to the outside and tried to abandon me because I am Competition for my human's affections. I think he saw me as a Threat. I think this because I definitely saw him as a Threat, especially when he took me to the big outside and tried to trick me into getting lost. I was too smart for him, though. I saw right through his plan. I saw through it because it is exactly what I would have done to Get Rid Of him. Now I am glad I didn't try to Get Rid Of him, because he rescued me and returned me to my human. He is clearly also an enemy of my Nemesis, and an enemy of my enemy is my friend.