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The Humans have been giving me chicken every night. This is in the form, usually, of an entire (uncooked) chicken wing. Some of these chicken wings are as big as my head.

What this means is that kibble is now an inferior form of sustenance, and while I will suffer it when I am truly desperate, I prefer to be a little hungry through the day, and wait for my nightly chicken. A complication of this is that I am getting a little on the skinny side.

The obvious solution is for the Humans to feed me more chicken. They do not seem to realise this.

My Humans have also given me a plastic clamshell full of sand. This is a gift that I do not quite understand, though I like burying things in it and digging them up again. I wonder if this is the Humans way of making sure they clean the hoose more often? I am doing my part to help, if that is the case, by tracking sand inside every time I inspect the clamshell.

Given the colourful language I hear when 'holes dug by Inwisible Gophers' (they are holes that I have dug that the Humans cannot pin on me because they did not see me dig them - heh heh heh) appear in the lawn and the garden beds, I have a feeling that my digging in the clamshell is relevant to the Humans' interests.

I have not yet decided if I will dig in the sandpit, or continue to dig in the garden just to frustrate the Humans and force them to rethink their solution.

There is a second clamshell that is currently full of nothing. I do not know the purpose of this second clamshell, and am suspicious. I will report when more information comes to light regarding this mystery.
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The Humans now have an eating place that is not the couch.  It is a Table, with Chairs.  This means that I cannot maintain eye contact with a Human until said Human gives me foodies.  In fact, they are making me sit on my bed while they are eating.  It does not matter how mournful I look; I must stay on the bed until the Humans are finished eating.

I have already established that by jumping on a Chair I can get on to the Table, but this does not work when a human is sitting on the Chair, or when the Chairs are pushed in.  I have decided, however, that I am not entirely averse to the table as long as I get treats after the Humans have finished eating at it.

Today, also, the Humans poured water on my head.  This, they said, is because I smelled like ‘a dog that has been rolling in grass’.  I think this is a good thing because that is what I am – a dog that has been rolling in grass.  I was quite content with this identity; no conflict at all, but my Humans wanted me to be ‘a dog that smells Baby Powder Fresh’.  And now I am a little of both, on account of my having rolled in the grass to get the Baby Powder Fresh scent off of me as much as possible. 

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My human has been spending time with an Alternate Dog.  This dog is an Alternate Dog because she is by no means a Substitute – I am far too unique for there to be anything other than inferior copies and Alternate Dogs.  I have met this Alternate dog, and she is OLD.  When I met her I asked her if she wanted to play with me and she declined.  I was very put out, and tried to play with her anyway.  Then she got grumpy.  This is how I know she is old – young, sprightly, happy-go-lucky scamps such as myself do not get grumpy.  We have been known to sulk, and occasionally to be gruff, but never grumpy.

The problem with the time spent with this Alternate Dog is it means my Human is Very Far Away, and this I do not like.  I like it very much when she comes back, but not so much when she leaves and when she is not here.  I do not like this alternate dog, I suspect she is the reason for my Human’s prolonged absences.  They say it is something to do with her teeths, but I am dubious.  My teeths are just fine, and she is my Human, and my human and I have grown to be very much alike, and as such her teeths must also be fine.  There is absolutely no flaw to my logic on this point.

I have a new game I like to play with my Humans – I call it the ‘So Happy’ game.  Every time I was exuberantly happy, my Human would sing, “So happy, so happy!” to me.  And so, now when she sings “So Happy” I go from zero to bouncing with joy in a split second.  I do not think my Human realises just how easily I make associations.

I have also been spending a lot of time flolloping in the long grass in my outside (it needs to be Short Grass, say the Humans, but I like to pretend I am hunting through a Jungle for lost treasures, and so I think it needs to stay long).  This has led to me smelling not just like a Dog, but also like a Dog who has been rolling in grass.  My humans do not appreciate my entirely natural perfume, and I have an inkling that they are going to be pouring water on my head sometime soon.

Must dash – there is someone walking past the hoose and I must tell that person to Keep On Walking, Buddy.

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We went to the parking lot viewing box again last night. The picture was about blue humans with tails. This fact made them Superior, in my opinion, to other humans. If humans had tails, they would be more like hoonds, and that can only be a good thing.

In the picture, the humans without tails did not realise that the blue humans were Special, if not Superior to regular humans. This meant that the regular humans were not relevant to my interests. I think that the non-tailed humans were jealous of the blue humans with tails, and tried to find out how to get tails of their own by using Brute Force and Ignorance. I did not really like the regular humans, so I slept through all of the parts where there were lots of them.

My favourite part of the picture by far had to do with some lizards with wings, but telling you about that would be spoilerish, and I do not want to spoil it for you.

My humans bought a chikkin today. I know because I can smell it. I think that the chikkin is for me, because the humans do not eat chikkin. I do not really understand this, because to me chikkin is the Best Thing Ever. I also do not understand why the humans will not give me the chikkin now, no matter how loudly I tell them to.
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My humans would like you all to know that they have a 'hoose for the hoond'. I have determined that the 'hoond' is, in fact, me. So I have a hoose. I have never had a hoose before, so I am not sure what it is.

It is relevant to my interests to find out exactly what is a hoose, as it will be hard for me to appreciate having one if I do not understand what it is for.

These things I know about the hoose:

1)It has an outside. In fact, it has an outside in the front, and an outside in the back. These outsides are enclosed by fences. Therefore I can footle and flollop in safety, and this outside will be mine entirely so I will not have to share it with other, bigger, hoonds. My humans took me to flollop in the outside of the hoose this evening. There were interesting smells and other hoonds that I could talk to but could not see, and there were shrubberies.

2)There is a park near the hoose. I also flolloped around the park this evening. It is a Place Where Dogs Run Free, so I can Socialise with other hoonds, with supervision.

3)The humans are very happy about the hoose. They keep talking about Space, and Location. I gather, though, that the most important feature of this hoose is that it is Suitable for me. I know that this is the most important feature because, as the only genuine hoond, I am the most important member of the pack.

4) I was instrumental in obtaining this hoose. My resume and references were submitted to the owner of the hoose, along with a photo of me (looking rather dashing, even if I do say so myself). My resume is impressive. I have two obedience training diplomas and a certificate from a private trainer, a reference from a canine behaviourist, and a character reference from [ profile] earthnative. I am given to understand that some hoose owners do not want hoonds in their hooses, but with my Credentials I was able to persuade the hoose owner to give us the hoose.

I have not been into the inside of the hoose, but the humans can't go into the hoose until the 8th of January. It is Vacant, but it is not OUR hoose until then.

I think that having a hoose is a Good Thing, and as such I approve of it.
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My humans are making a regular Thing of going to the carpark picture viewing box. We have been there twice since my last post! Last time, the moving picture had only three humans in it, and an inwisible something. The third human was only in two scenes - the inwisible something was in a lot more, and thus was a Major Character, where the third human was not, on account of his being a Minor Character whose only purpose was Exposition. The inwisible something could make Things happen. Mostly, the other two humans slept, or watched the inwisible something make Things happen.

I am not one for giving Spoilers, but I will say that it should have ended about ten seconds before it did. I know this because I woke up just before the ending. I did not need to see the rest of the moving picture to know that the ending was Too Much.

This time, the humans went to see a movie with Howling. This was very relevant to my interest as I am a dog, and dogs are known to Howl. The things in the movie that Howled were not dogs, though. I do not know what else, that is not a dog, howls, therefore these things must have been Monsters. They were certainly Wild Things, because dogs are Wild Things, and they are the only creatures that I know of that howl. Therefore the Howling Monsters were Wild Things, even if they were not dogs. And they were there, on the viewing box. I thought to myself during the picture that there, on the screen, were Wild Things. 'Therefore," I thought, "on the screen is Where The Wild Things Are."

I was very pleased with this discovery and tried to share it with my humans, but they did not want to listen to me, despite my Cleverness. They told me to 'Shhhh!'. I do not know how to 'Shhhh!'.

I was unimpressed with their lack of desire to bask in my Cleverness. I was also unimpressed that they did not share the foodies. So I fell alseep and did not watch the moving picture. I did see the Ending, because a dog barks near the ending and this, being relevant to my interests, was worthy of my Attention.

In other news, I am Shedding. I am doing this so that everything my human wears will be covered in my fur, and she can take me with her everywhere she goes. This is a very Thoughtful thing for me to do, because if I did not do it she would have to leave me behind sometimes, and that distresses me her.
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My incarceration is finally at an end. I have been reunited with my humans. This is a Very Good Thing for All Concerned.

But I am starting at the end of the story, when I should start at the beginning.

The Other Human has taken Drastic Measures to implement his many changes to the status quo. He won the 'Badger doesn't sleep in the bed' battle, and the 'Badger doesn't stick his nose in the humans' food' fight. I was happy to give him those victories, because they were little enough. I thought he would be happy with his successes so far.

Oh, how awfully wrong I was.

While my human thought I was in storage, I was in fact being Reformed. I was sent to a special Reform School. It was horrible. It took FOREVER in the Awful Box just to get there, and then the Other Human left me in the hands of a Corrections Officer. Somehow the Other Human had convinced this Corrections Officer that I had Behaviours that needed Correcting. I am not sure why the Corrections Officer was so ready to believe this! I have many Behaviours, some of which are idiosyncratic, some that are learned (I spent many hours in puppy school learning how to steal treats from other dogs how to sit, drop and spin around in circles), and all of which are endearing, but none of which, in my opinion, need Correcting.

I think the Other Human takes issue with my tendency to tell humans and other animals that they are in the wrong place, and that they should go away because I am a big scary dog who is not scared of them at all. He thinks that this is a Behaviour. I think he convinced the Corrections Officer that it was a Behaviour, and that I needed to be Socialised. If that sounds awful, well, it isn't really. I think Socialising means something other than what the Other Human thinks it means.

Socialising means foodies.

... I am perfectly serious.

In order to Socialise me, the Corrections Officer had lots of Humans bring me foodies. As you can imagine, this was extremely relevant to my interests. I am perfectly content to let many lots of Humans bring me foodies. I slowly came to realise that the Corrections Officer was acting in my Best Interests. I do not think that the Other Human paid him enough. Either that, or my natural charms affected a sort of reverse Stockholm Syndrome on the Corrections Officer.

I think the Other Human is sending me back to Reform School next week. I think he will try to convince the Corrections Officer to fix another of my Behaviours, and I also think the Corrections Officer will just give me more foodies. I am looking forward to this, even though it means being away from my Human and giving the Other Human a chance to attempt to usurp my place (which is, as always, In The Way).
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My humans took me on an Excursion!

I thought it would be an adwenture, because we went out in the wheely zoomy box, but instead the humans took me to a parking lot.  They stayed in the parking lot for EVER.  I was so bored that I fell asleep.  I did get to eat leftover foodies, which made this a bonus Excursion, but we did not leave the wheely zoomy box.   I thought this was very strange.

The parking lot had a big picture viewing box, and the humans were very interested in both the viewing box and the wheely zoomy sounding box.  (That is the box that sounds that are not wheely zoomy sounds come out of - sometimes the sounds are human howlings and sometimes they are human barkings.  This time was peculiar in that the sounding box had both howling and barking sounds coming out of it.)

I think my humans spent the whole time we were in the parking lot looking at the viewing box.  It was not relevant to my interests, so when I finished my foodies I fell asleep.

My humans call the parking lot a drive-in mooooovie, but this does not make sense because nothing was moving.  Especially not me.  But I did get to eat human foodies, and sit in the front of the wheely zoomy box.  Usually my humans do not like me to sit in the front of the wheely zoomy box because I cause an Obstruction.  This is because I usually want to sit on the lap of the human who is operating the wheely zoomy box.

Despite being a very strange event, I would not object if my humans made another excursion to the drive-in moooovie, becaise I like travelling in the wheely zoomy box, and I like being with my humans.  Even if what they are doing when we get where we are going does not make sense.
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 My human has been behaving strangely.  I think there must be something in the water she is drinking.  I have drunk some of it and it is hot and does not taste like water and makes me go zooooooooooom.  I do not like the water that the human drinks, and I do not think that she should drink it because it makes her act very oddly indeed.

Allow me to describe the behaviour.  My human gets up from the couch, gathers the things a human leaves the house with, goes to the door, and then turns around, puts her things down, and sits back down.  And then she does it again, and again, and again, while I watch in utter confusion.  I think that my human has developed something like an obsessive compulsive disorder, or perhaps she is afraid of the Outside and thus is agoraphobic.  She tells me that it is because I have a Panic Disorder in which I Panic because the humans have left me alone.  This does not strike me as particularly likely - it is completely rational for me to panic when I don't know if my humans are coming back.  The human tells me that my panic is Destructive, and that I might hurt myself, but the only way in which I think I am likely to be hurt is if the humans do not come back and feed me.  The foods are all on very high shelves and thus are not what my human refers to as Fair Game for me.

Speaking of games, my human has come up with a new one.  This game involves diced ham, which is the greatest thing in the WORLD.  I do not really understand the game, because all it seems to involve is her throwing diced ham into the Awful Box, which I then go in and get.  I do understand that if I stay inside the Awful Box, rather than coming out again, I get more diced ham, and quicker.  I also know that if a human tries to close the door to the Awful Box, I will go Berzerk.  I think that my human knows this, and this is why she will not close the door to the Awful Box while I am in it.

On the whole, it can be said that I approve of games that involve diced ham, even if they involve such things as the Awful Box.
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I have discovered TRAINs.  This is a term I coined myself.  It is, in fact, an acronym.  TRAIN stands for Travelling Room And Intracity Negotiator.

The TRAIN is a Great Leap Forward with respect to equal rights for humans and me, because I am allowed to use the TRAIN.  I have discovered that the TRAIN is useful for multiplying the number of humans who are paying attention to me at any given time.  While I am on a train, I get bonus attention from other humans in the Travelling Room.

I call it a Travelling Room because to me it looks an awful lot like a Waiting Room (dog doctors have these, and I am not a fan of them when they are obviously a dog doctor Waiting Room, but other types of Waiting Room that are relevant to my interests are acceptable).  Humans enter the Travelling Room, and when it has Negotiated its way to the part of the city in which they wish to be, they leave the Travelling Room.  Hence it is also an Intracity Negotiator.

I also approve of the TRAIN because it takes me to see [personal profile] subtle_eye in the middle of the day, when I usually do not get to see him because on most days he is Gainfully Employed, unlike [profile] miss_terri_girl who is one of the Idle Poor.  When I go on the TRAIN to see [personal profile] subtle_eye , I get a chance to have a City Adwenture.

Cities are awfully big.  I mean really, really, really big.  Not like Canberra, which is not so big compared to a City.  They are loud and there are lots of humans and wheely zoomy things.  If I spend too much time in the City I start to feel like it is All Too Much for me and I need a nap and some chikkin to make up for how it is All Too Much.  But there are parts of the City that I like, because the City, though a lot of it is like a louder dirtier colder Inside, has some patches of Outside where I can flollop and explore and find new humans to meet and things to do.

Today in the City I met a binary bird.  It was made of  black and of white and it swooped me from behind like a coward, so I chased it.  I am at War with binary birds.  Usually I chase the birds and the birds fly away.  The birds do not chase me.  Binary birds do things the wrong way around, and this upsets the Natural Order of Things.  So I have declared War.

I have not declared war on small humans, but they still worry me because I do not understand why they have to be so small at me.  I ask them why they are so small and this frightens them because my Voice is Mighty even though I am small.  What we have here, as a famous human would say, is a Failure to Communicate.

One day I will work out how to communicate with small humans.  It takes longer when they will not stay with me for long enough for me to adjust to their diminutive stature.  My human thinks I need a captive small human to talk to, but does not know where she will find one.  She thinks maybe the Neighbour Who Likes Me (all of the neighbours like me, of course, but this one Likes me, and has offered to go on walks with me) will let me talk to her small human sometimes.

I have had a Very Big Day, so I think it is time for me to curl up on my doona (the human says it is a queen sized doona that I have Appropriated For My Own Purposes without her permission, but I say it is a me-sized doona that is obviously mine).  I do not know what kind of adwenture there will be in store for me tomorrow, but I am sure everyone will be interested.
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I do not know what happened.  I was in the re-education camp, then I was with my humans, then there was this small yellow pill.  The next thing I remember is getting out of the wheely zoomy box ... on MARS.  Or maybe not actually Mars, but it might as well be.

My couch is here.  The humans' bed is here.  There are things that smell like me, but I think they're meant to fool me.  I am not fooled.  I do NOT know where I am, familiar scents notwithstanding.

My humans and I, and an inexplicable assortment of familiar items have been Transported. 

My humans don't seem to have been adversely affected, but I am definitely suffering for the change.  It does not help that my humans have gone mad.  They keep trying to convince me that it is a good idea to go up and down a flight of Stairs.  This is Not a Good Idea.  I am not built for stairs.  I am too delicate.  Steps, yes.  Stairs, no.  I get carried up stairs.  That is how it works.  My humans seem to have forgotten this.  So perhaps they have been made amnesic by the Transportation.

The humans also have failed to notice that my floor space has shrunk.  I need to do two laps of the lounge room for every one I used to do BT (Before Transportation).  I notice these things, because I am Observant.  I have made an Empirical Study of the dimensions of this floor, and it is definitely smaller.

The other thing that is small and different and that I do not like is the Box.  The Box has an open door.  I know it is a trap, so even though my bedding is in the Box, I will not go inside.  The door will close on me and I will be Transported again, and this is an Unacceptable Outcome of an easily avoided set of actions (ie going inside the Box and lying down).

I am not sure how I feel about life on Mars (or wherever this is...).  I will have to further explore the area to make an accurate assessment of its suitability.  I know that there are other dogs here.  I have had Conversations with them.  I have also met some humans.  There are a lot of those here.
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It has happened. The Other Human has begun his reforms. He appeared out of nowhere and began to change things. This does not make me happy.

This is how it was: my human and I were sleeping on the awesome couch, under blankets, near the large heater. This was a good arrangement. I approved. Before that, the human was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the bedroom, but it was a Bad Mattress, and it broke her back. The couch did not, so it made more sense for her to sleep there.

Then the Other Human showed up, and, with two Other Other Humans, brought in a new bed. It was clear to me that this was Phase 1 of the "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform. I knew this because the Other Other Humans who brought the bed did not also bring steps or a ramp to help me get on to the bed. If I can not get on the bed, then I can not sleep in it. Hence the assumption that this is part of the Other Human's mad scheme to change The Way Things Are.

What the other human does not realise is that his plan failed at conception.

Being a dachshund, I flollop. This is because I am a distant relative of the Mattress. The way in which we are related is that we are both springy. I am springy enough to jump from the ground on to the bed. Therefore, if I am in the bedroom, I can not be kept off the bed. And this bed is not particularly high off the ground, anyway. I do not even have to employ my Mighty Leap to get on to it! (I have to use my Mighty Leap to get on to such things as the dining table.)

The Other Human clearly did not think this through. This does not bode well for his other reforms, but it does bode well for the Status Quo.
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Today my human poured a large volume of water on my head.

I am serious.

My human put me in a very large, slippery box and poured water on me.  When I was thoroughly soaking (and not at all happy about it), she put smelly stuff on her hands and rubbed it all over me.  Normally I do not mind being rubbed, but  this experience was entirely different.  The smelly stuff frothed on my fur and made me turn white.  I am not white, I am a beautiful reddish brown.  I should not be turned white, because the emergency food supply is a white dog and I am not the emergency food supply. 

Afte r I turned white, my human poured even more water on my head.  She wrapped me in a big cloth and rubbed me some more, and then she let me go.

The first thing I did was to make sure I smelled like myself again by rolling and twisting and contorting until all of the bits of me that smelled wrong had been in contact with the carpet which I have cleverly impregnated with my individual scent.  Scenting the carpet was a precautionary measure at first, but it was clearly very Wise, because if I had not done it I would still smell Baby Powder Fresh.  Then I demanded compensation.

I stood in the kitchen and indicated to the human that she should open the Treat Door and get me a slice of Dog Salami.  This is not like Human Salami, because Dog Salami is made from chikkin and thus is infinitely superior to other Salamis.

In the couse of the human's oddly baptismal ritual, she made a Discovery.  When she took off my collar, she saw that there is a bald patch on my chest where the collar has been rubbing against my fur.  I think she did not like this Discovery, because she has not put the collar back on.

I do not understand why I have to wear a collar.  The government implanted a chip between my shoulders that has more information on it than you can fit on a tag, and usually the reason for a collar is to have somewhere to hang a tag.  The same government that implanted the chip insists, though, that I have to have a chip AND a tag.  I think this is Unnecessarily Redundant.

I wonder how my human will handle this situation?  I think my bald patch upset her.  Maybe she won't put the collar back on.  Maybe she will buy me a special padded collar.  I do not know what her plan is, but I am sure that I will find out.

At the same time as my human was pouring water on my head, another dog two storeys below me was having water poured on its head, too.  This is a new dog, who I have not met, but we had a Conversation two nights ago that my human seemed upset about.  I do not know why she does not want me to talk to this new dog.  Humans are very strange.
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First, I should tell you about two recent additions to the list of Names I Have Been Called.  [ profile] colormonochrome has taken to calling me 'dogbutt', and is much amused when I answer to it more readily than to 'Badger'.  The reasons for this are twofold; first, 'dogbutt' sounds a lot like 'doglet', which latter is a name I am accustomed to hearing; second, when she says, 'dogbutt', she says it with an Enthusiasm that is lacking when she says my other name.  Humans who lack Enthusiasm do not interest me, and will not get my attention.  So, when she says, 'dogbutt' with Enthusiasm, I respond, but when she says 'Badger' without Enthusiasm, I do not.

The other Name I Have Been Called is simply, "Captain Obnoxious".  My human thinks this is list-worthy, even though I think it is rather facile.  I think my human likes it because "Captain Obnoxious" is like "Captain Slow" from Top Gear, who is also known as James May.  "Captain Slow" is perhaps not a particularly flattering nickname, so it is possible that "Captain Obnoxious" is a derogation, if an affectionate one.

I should also address [ profile] arthwollipot 's comment regarding helioparalysis.  In the case of helioparalysis, I am a non-black raven.  That is to say:

Cats suffer from helioparalysis.
I am not a cat.  Nope.  Definitely not a cat.  This is something that I Know, and will Tell anyone who will listen.  I am a Dog, and a Dog is definitely not a Cat.
I suffer from helioparalysis.  I collapse in patches of sunlight.  I follow the sun around the room as it moves.  I wish it wouldn't move, because then I could sleep in the same place all day, but being in the sun is important.  I am perhaps also a heliophile.  If there is a patch of sunlight, and I want to play with a human, I will tell the human to play with me in the sunlight.  I will not play if I have to leave the sunny spot, but if the human will not come to the sunny spot I will continue to tell the human to do so with my Voice.  This is perhaps why I am sometimes called "Captain Obnoxious."  I am a born leader and teller-of-what-others-must-do.  Hence Captain.  I am not sure where the "Obnoxious" part comes from.  I think it may arise from the human's natural dislike of being told what to do.
Returning to my original point. Cats suffer from helioparalysis, I am not a cat, but I suffer from helioparalysis.  Therefore, not all things that suffer from helioparalysis are cats.

In other news, my house has an Infestation that I was not aware of till recently.  There is a moose in the hoose. I mean, a Mouse in the House.  How I did not know this before is beyond me.  The Mouse lives in, of all things, a fish tank.  It comes out of its hidey hole to listen to me tell it that it is a Mouse.  It hides again when I tell the humans about the Mouse.  I think it is a sekrit mouse.  The human must not know about it or she would get it out of its house so that I could play with it, I am sure.  I do not like the fish tank arrangement.  I can see the Mouse and tell it it is a Mouse but I cannot play Fetch the Mouse or any of the games I can think of that I could play with a Mouse.

My human bought me a new squeeker toy today.  It is purple and shaggy and shaped like a Rabbit.  My human and [ profile] colormonochrome  think that it is hidjus and do not object to my killing it.  I haven't succeeded yet.  It may be that this plushie is as resilient as Menchi.  Time will tell.

My human also bought me a bear that is bigger than I am.  I love it.  Repeatedly.  My human finds this behaviour off-putting, but how else do I express my love?  I would tell it with my Voice but it is a plushie and would not hear me.  Showing love by NOT killing it is a negative expression of love.  I want to express my love for the plushie in a way that is observable by the presence, and not the absence of behaviour.  So I am at a loss.  Maybe my human just does not understand the love between a dog and his ridiculously oversized plushie bear.  Then again, she wants me to understand the love between her and a certain ridiculously oversized human and accept that he will be my Other human, so I think my human should make an effort.

I hear that this so called Other Human will be trying to bring in all kinds of crazy reforms like the, "Badger can't sleep in the bed" reform and the "Badger can't steal the human's cheese" reform.  He won't last long.  The swing voters will get him.

That said, I like him well enough.  Until, that is, he tries to change the Status Quo.  I will declare war on the Other Human and his mad reforms if he lets the power go to his head.  All I can say is he had better not outlaw chikkin or there will be revolting.  Very revolting.  I have access to a cache of Chemical Weapons, and will use them if called upon.

theloldog: (Default)
Yesterday, my human and [ profile] arthwollipot took me to The Place Where Dogs Run Free.  There were many dogs, and most of them were very much bigger than me.  Some dogs tried to gang up on me.  I think they wanted to play, but I am a Sensible dog who will only rarely play with a single dog who is bigger than me (such as [profile] jetta_the_dog ), and never with more than one dog who is bigger than me, so I did not want to be played with.

An advantage of being me is that I am small and it is easy to get me out of trouble by picking me up and walking away with me.  Larger dogs do not have this advantage, but larger dogs may have less need to be rescued.

I like The Place Where Dogs Run Free.  It has many new smells and humans who recognise my superiority in terms of looks and temperament.  I got lots of attention.

In other news, I have finally gained back the weight I lost when I was in captivity.  I now look like this again:

My human suspects that if I eat too much I may start to look like this:

That is not a dachshund, it is a bearded seal.  I do not think that eating too much will turn me into a bearded seal, but I do see a slight resemblance in the face, so I can see how my human would make this mistake.

Anyway, I had better sign off.  My human has just realised that I have been playing with her crochet again, and now there is yarn all over the floor for her to contend with.  Sometimes I am a cause of exasperation.

theloldog: (Default)
I have many Ideas about what to post.  I expect I will be a prolific blogger.  In the future I will talk about the Alphabet and Helioparalysis, but today my topic is the game of Fetch.

Fetch is not as simple as the 'human throws, dog chases and brings back' paradigm.  There are many variants.  For instance, there is 'human throws, dog chases, dog fails to find, dog returns without' and its corollary, 'human throws, dog chases, dog fails to find, dog brings back something else'.  There is also 'human throws, dog chases and brings back but fails to surrender' - that is one of my favourite variants because it combines the game of Fetch with another favourite of mine, Tug-of-War (also known as 'Never Give Up, Never Surrender').  These variants on the game of Fetch are the ones I play when I am feeling Energetic.

When I am feeling Clever, the game of Fetch is played differently.  It goes something like this:

I sit on the couch with an item that I am allowed to chew or otherwise consume.  Using my paw or my nose, I throw the item off the couch.  I then look at the nearest human, and wait until the human understands that he or she must Fetch the item.  The human brings the item back, and then I might chew it for a while, or I might throw it again straight away.

This game is a perfect example of how Classical Conditioning can, in fact, work against a human.  I have learned that the human will pick up things for me if I drop them, and I am conditioning other humans to do the same.  It helps that I can look Adorable and Mournful on demand when I have, in fact, sneakily thrown the item rather than having it drop and become too difficult for me to reach.

Humans have discovered that Classical Conditioning is a very simple concept.  They have not, on the whole, realised that it is so simple that a small, funny lookin' dog can learn how to use it against them.

Humans can be obtuse sometimes.
theloldog: (Default)
I am a dog with many names.  It would be very difficult for me to write my full name because it is so very long.  It would also be difficult for me to write my full name because I can not hold a pen, but that is beside the point.  I am trying to give you an idea of the magnitude of my name.  I think it will be easier to get my point across with another list.  I call this list, "Names I have been called."

  • Badger
  • Badge
  • Budge
  • Budgie
  • Bargearse
  • Woogie
  • Boo
  • Puplet
  • Doglet
  • Doggle
  • Wooglet
  • Sausage
  • Tetrapod
  • Teeth'n'Claws
  • Goat
  • Batty
  • Little Dog
  • Funny Little Dog
  • Mad Little Dog
  • You Little Sod
  • Mad Bugger
  • This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things
  • Aaaaaaaaargh!
I have not been called Nemo, but once a Nemo was called me.  This may or may not be because there is something of a resemblance...

Yesterday my human discovered that the solution to a mad little dog barking for no good reason at a bench or shelf is not, in fact, to put the dog on that bench or shelf to work out what he is barking at.  I demonstrated that the mad little dog will actually jump straight off the bench or shelf, regardless of its height or the danger to himself of jumping.

Soon enough the human will resign herself to the fact that I am barking at absolutely nothing.  She has tried taking everything off the shelf.  She has tried introducing me to the things on the shelf.  She has tried introducing me to the shelf itself.  None of these things have stopped me from barking in the general direction of the shelf.  

My plan for today is to sit on my human, do some more barking, sleep, kill a plushie, play fetch, get taken for a walk, sleep more, bark more, eat and sleep again.  I should get started on these things as it is already late in the morning.  But first I must drink the cup of tea my human has left unattended on the table.  She really should know better

theloldog: (Default)
Contrary to what some may think, there are many reasons why I am good for my human.  In case anyone wishes to dispute this, I am writing a List.  This is my List so far:

  • I do not let her sleep past 10am.  If she tries to, I get all up in her face about it.  Literally.  I do not stop until she realises that trying to stay in bed is not worth finding out how far I can stick my tongue up her nose.
  • I make her get exercise.  This is because I am a mad bugger with way more energy than my mass would suggest who demands at least a 40 minute walk every day.
  • I make her do housework, like vacuuming the carpet.  I am very clever about it, too.  The other day I knocked over a vase full of dried flowers and then I shredded them and spread the detritus all over the lounge room floor.  There were many sticks, which I stripped and then turned into very small woodchips what could only be got out of the carpet by the use of the vaccum.  I must add that this particular example is a huge sacrifice for me - I do not like the vacuum.  It is the only household cleaning implement I do not want to play with.  If she could clean the carpet with a feather duster I would be much happier, but I think this is not actually possible.
  • I make it necessary for her to go near a grocery store every so often, because the grocery store is near to the place she goes to buy me things to chew on that are not her furniture or her fingers.  I like to chew things, and she should eat, which requires food.  Therefore this arrangment is mutually beneficial.
  • On the subject of chewing, my human has learned that if she values a thing and does not put it away where I cannot get it, I will probably chew on it.  So if she does not want it chewed on, she has to put it away.
  • I am also completely adorable, so even if I am not being obnoxious I cannot be ignored.  This is good as it stops her from spending the day mostly catatonic, which is a bad thing for her because she are not a cat, and if she were a cat it would be my duty to tell her that she were a cat, and then she could not be catatonic because I would be being obnoxious and this would get a Reaction of some sort.
I think this is a good start for a list of reasons why I am good for my human.  I welcome further additions, as I am sure there are others I have not thought of or even considered.
theloldog: (Default)
Yesterday, I et a packet of peppermint tea bags.  I got them from the dining table.  I nearly et some organic dutch cocoa, but it wouldn't come out of the jar.  I also et the plushie representing our emergency food supply.  My human was not happy.  She says this does not bode well for her survival in the zombie apocalypse.  She says if I will not at least ration our emergency food supply it does not bode well for my survival, either.

My human bought me a new plushie yesterday.  It was turtle shaped and floofy and colourful and it squeeked and I killed it.  Now I have a deflated turtle-plushie carcass and the lounge room carpet is covered in turtle-plushie viscera.  The squeekers still work, though.  That is on my list for today.  Kill the squeeekers.  Kill them dead.  It may also be on my human's list.

So far today I have baleeted my human's livejournal bookmark.  She still can not work out how I did it.  I think she underestimates my knowledge of Firefox keyboard shortcuts.  I have further plans, but they will wait until I have dealt with this donut shaped rawhide thingy my human has just given me.  I must gnaw it into submission before any further plans can be put into action.
theloldog: (Default)
I have met the Enemy. The Enemy is 'completely mad', and wants a white fluffy cat, and the Enemy's mission in life is to Get Rid Of me. The Enemy is hence my Nemesis.

Recently my human went away. She was very sick so her human vet sent her to a sick house for sick humans with sicknesses. I am secretly glad that humans also have vets that make them swallow vile concoctions and put things in their ears and noses and jab them with pointy things, but that is beside the point. While my human was away, The Enemy made a move. The Enemy invaded my house and picked things up and put them down again in the wrong places and ransacked and deviously reorganised every thing putty inny box so my human would suffer Confusion and Anxiety and would perhaps not notice my absence in her Confusion.

You see, the last thing the Enemy did was shove me in a cage and forcibly remove me from my home. I was taken to a Facility at an Undisclosed Location and placed under guard. I tried to escape, but the walls were too high for me to jump and too thick to tunnel under. They tried to poison me. They laced chikkin mince with Advantage, which tastes so vile it MUST be poison. I did not eat it, even though there was chikkin. Even in my weakened state, I continued my escape attempts. They cut my claws so I could not dig, and they tried to subdue me with the most insidious form of torture known to canine - water and shampoo. I did not lose hope. I knew that my human would find out what the Enemy had done and would rescue me, even if she could not leave the sick house for sick humans with sicknesses. I persevered through nearly three weeks of captivity. My spirit was not broken.

And then the glorious day arrived - [ profile] subtle_eye stormed the Facility in the wheely zoomy metal box thing, defeated my captors with Money, and together we rescued my human from her own captivity. She had also been locked in a Facility, but that is another story.

I was so happy to see my human again. Because of his valiant efforts, I have decided that [ profile] subtle_eye is Good People. I wasn't sure at first. He took me to the outside and tried to abandon me because I am Competition for my human's affections. I think he saw me as a Threat. I think this because I definitely saw him as a Threat, especially when he took me to the big outside and tried to trick me into getting lost. I was too smart for him, though. I saw right through his plan. I saw through it because it is exactly what I would have done to Get Rid Of him. Now I am glad I didn't try to Get Rid Of him, because he rescued me and returned me to my human. He is clearly also an enemy of my Nemesis, and an enemy of my enemy is my friend.


theloldog: (Default)

March 2010



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Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.

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