Canine Capers

My incarceration is finally at an end. I have been reunited with my humans. This is a Very Good Thing for All Concerned.

But I am starting at the end of the story, when I should start at the beginning.

The Other Human has taken Drastic Measures to implement his many changes to the status quo. He won the 'Badger doesn't sleep in the bed' battle, and the 'Badger doesn't stick his nose in the humans' food' fight. I was happy to give him those victories, because they were little enough. I thought he would be happy with his successes so far.

Oh, how awfully wrong I was.

While my human thought I was in storage, I was in fact being Reformed. I was sent to a special Reform School. It was horrible. It took FOREVER in the Awful Box just to get there, and then the Other Human left me in the hands of a Corrections Officer. Somehow the Other Human had convinced this Corrections Officer that I had Behaviours that needed Correcting. I am not sure why the Corrections Officer was so ready to believe this! I have many Behaviours, some of which are idiosyncratic, some that are learned (I spent many hours in puppy school learning how to steal treats from other dogs how to sit, drop and spin around in circles), and all of which are endearing, but none of which, in my opinion, need Correcting.

I think the Other Human takes issue with my tendency to tell humans and other animals that they are in the wrong place, and that they should go away because I am a big scary dog who is not scared of them at all. He thinks that this is a Behaviour. I think he convinced the Corrections Officer that it was a Behaviour, and that I needed to be Socialised. If that sounds awful, well, it isn't really. I think Socialising means something other than what the Other Human thinks it means.

Socialising means foodies.

... I am perfectly serious.

In order to Socialise me, the Corrections Officer had lots of Humans bring me foodies. As you can imagine, this was extremely relevant to my interests. I am perfectly content to let many lots of Humans bring me foodies. I slowly came to realise that the Corrections Officer was acting in my Best Interests. I do not think that the Other Human paid him enough. Either that, or my natural charms affected a sort of reverse Stockholm Syndrome on the Corrections Officer.

I think the Other Human is sending me back to Reform School next week. I think he will try to convince the Corrections Officer to fix another of my Behaviours, and I also think the Corrections Officer will just give me more foodies. I am looking forward to this, even though it means being away from my Human and giving the Other Human a chance to attempt to usurp my place (which is, as always, In The Way).

I have discovered TRAINs.  This is a term I coined myself.  It is, in fact, an acronym.  TRAIN stands for Travelling Room And Intracity Negotiator.

The TRAIN is a Great Leap Forward with respect to equal rights for humans and me, because I am allowed to use the TRAIN.  I have discovered that the TRAIN is useful for multiplying the number of humans who are paying attention to me at any given time.  While I am on a train, I get bonus attention from other humans in the Travelling Room.

I call it a Travelling Room because to me it looks an awful lot like a Waiting Room (dog doctors have these, and I am not a fan of them when they are obviously a dog doctor Waiting Room, but other types of Waiting Room that are relevant to my interests are acceptable).  Humans enter the Travelling Room, and when it has Negotiated its way to the part of the city in which they wish to be, they leave the Travelling Room.  Hence it is also an Intracity Negotiator.

I also approve of the TRAIN because it takes me to see subtle_eye in the middle of the day, when I usually do not get to see him because on most days he is Gainfully Employed, unlike miss_terri_girl who is one of the Idle Poor.  When I go on the TRAIN to see subtle_eye , I get a chance to have a City Adwenture.

Cities are awfully big.  I mean really, really, really big.  Not like Canberra, which is not so big compared to a City.  They are loud and there are lots of humans and wheely zoomy things.  If I spend too much time in the City I start to feel like it is All Too Much for me and I need a nap and some chikkin to make up for how it is All Too Much.  But there are parts of the City that I like, because the City, though a lot of it is like a louder dirtier colder Inside, has some patches of Outside where I can flollop and explore and find new humans to meet and things to do.

Today in the City I met a binary bird.  It was made of  black and of white and it swooped me from behind like a coward, so I chased it.  I am at War with binary birds.  Usually I chase the birds and the birds fly away.  The birds do not chase me.  Binary birds do things the wrong way around, and this upsets the Natural Order of Things.  So I have declared War.

I have not declared war on small humans, but they still worry me because I do not understand why they have to be so small at me.  I ask them why they are so small and this frightens them because my Voice is Mighty even though I am small.  What we have here, as a famous human would say, is a Failure to Communicate.

One day I will work out how to communicate with small humans.  It takes longer when they will not stay with me for long enough for me to adjust to their diminutive stature.  My human thinks I need a captive small human to talk to, but does not know where she will find one.  She thinks maybe the Neighbour Who Likes Me (all of the neighbours like me, of course, but this one Likes me, and has offered to go on walks with me) will let me talk to her small human sometimes.

I have had a Very Big Day, so I think it is time for me to curl up on my doona (the human says it is a queen sized doona that I have Appropriated For My Own Purposes without her permission, but I say it is a me-sized doona that is obviously mine).  I do not know what kind of adwenture there will be in store for me tomorrow, but I am sure everyone will be interested.

I have met the Enemy. The Enemy is 'completely mad', and wants a white fluffy cat, and the Enemy's mission in life is to Get Rid Of me. The Enemy is hence my Nemesis.

Recently my human went away. She was very sick so her human vet sent her to a sick house for sick humans with sicknesses. I am secretly glad that humans also have vets that make them swallow vile concoctions and put things in their ears and noses and jab them with pointy things, but that is beside the point. While my human was away, The Enemy made a move. The Enemy invaded my house and picked things up and put them down again in the wrong places and ransacked and deviously reorganised every thing putty inny box so my human would suffer Confusion and Anxiety and would perhaps not notice my absence in her Confusion.

You see, the last thing the Enemy did was shove me in a cage and forcibly remove me from my home. I was taken to a Facility at an Undisclosed Location and placed under guard. I tried to escape, but the walls were too high for me to jump and too thick to tunnel under. They tried to poison me. They laced chikkin mince with Advantage, which tastes so vile it MUST be poison. I did not eat it, even though there was chikkin. Even in my weakened state, I continued my escape attempts. They cut my claws so I could not dig, and they tried to subdue me with the most insidious form of torture known to canine - water and shampoo. I did not lose hope. I knew that my human would find out what the Enemy had done and would rescue me, even if she could not leave the sick house for sick humans with sicknesses. I persevered through nearly three weeks of captivity. My spirit was not broken.

And then the glorious day arrived - subtle_eye stormed the Facility in the wheely zoomy metal box thing, defeated my captors with Money, and together we rescued my human from her own captivity. She had also been locked in a Facility, but that is another story.

I was so happy to see my human again. Because of his valiant efforts, I have decided that subtle_eye is Good People. I wasn't sure at first. He took me to the outside and tried to abandon me because I am Competition for my human's affections. I think he saw me as a Threat. I think this because I definitely saw him as a Threat, especially when he took me to the big outside and tried to trick me into getting lost. I was too smart for him, though. I saw right through his plan. I saw through it because it is exactly what I would have done to Get Rid Of him. Now I am glad I didn't try to Get Rid Of him, because he rescued me and returned me to my human. He is clearly also an enemy of my Nemesis, and an enemy of my enemy is my friend.